


anchorage

by kitsuanne



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Angst, Angst and Feels, Childhood, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Implied Character Death, M/M, Promises, Reunion years later, Showki, at least i dont think so, it is not so angst as it could be, kihyuk are friends, they live next to the sea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-21 14:15:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18143276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitsuanne/pseuds/kitsuanne
Summary: an·chor·age (noun)1. a place where a boat is or can be anchored (cambridge dictionary)2. something that provides a secure hold (merriam-webster dictionary)3. the desire to hold on to time as it passes, like trying to keep your grip on a rock in the middle of a river (the dictionary of obscure sorrows)···“Can you say it again? I’m sorry hyung, I’m just scared and--”“I promise you, Yoo Kihyun,” Hyunwoo interrupted him one more time, reciting their promise louder, “that even if we grow apart for the next years, when we are old and living our last days, we will meet and stay together forever.”





	anchorage

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not really good at writing angst so let's say i tried my best.  
> not a native speaker so i'm sorry for any mistakes.  
> i hope you enjoy this!

.childhood.

“Do you promise, hyung?”

“I do,” the oldest smiled calmly as always, soothing the other one’s heart.

Kihyun stopped moving the sand in front of him, wiping his hands and scrunching his nose when the wind blew some of the salty grains in his face. Hyunwoo chuckled at his clumsiness. Kihyun had always been way smaller than him, what he found extremely cute, and that nurtured a desire to protect the boy. Not that Kihyun needed any protection – the first time Hyunwoo met him, he was standing for a friend by himself, ready to fight a group of bigger dudes who definitely did not expect that little hamster-like boy to be so full of wrath. After helping him thanks to his judo moves, though, Hyunwoo sympathized with the kid and they spent a lot of time together from then on. They became closer and closer and one would think they had been friends for all their lives. Well, they were very young when they first met, and that should count as most of their lives anyway.

“We should go. It seems it’s about to rain,” Kihyun said, standing up. He was right, Hyunwoo noted. The sky had turned gray and the waves were becoming wilder, the white foam angrily approaching them. Most of the beach was covered in small black stones and wasn’t so fun to play around, but next to the dock, where some boats were anchored, there was some fluffy sand and they loved to play there by themselves. Hyunwoo stepped on the sandcastle they had barely built and they wiped their hands on their shorts, finally climbing the wall stone to reach the road.

The wind was a bit brisk and it made some locks of their hair to dance around their faces. They silently followed the way back to their houses, appreciating the presence of one another. That was something really enjoyable in their friendship; they’d spend hours together and didn’t ever grow tired of each other, even if they spoke a lot or nothing at all. It was like they were always meant to be together.

Kihyun stopped in front of his house, that was closer than Hyunwoo’s. He’d say goodbye first, like he always did for all those years, but that day his legs seemed heavy and he couldn’t move them.

“What’s wrong?” Hyunwoo asked, but he kinda knew the answer already. Kihyun kept his eyes low.

“I’m scared.”

“Everything’s going to be alright,” the oldest put a hand on Kihyun’s shoulder, and brought him closer to a hug. He accepted it, wrapping his arms around his waist.

“But we won’t see each other for so long. What if you f--”

“What did we talk about ‘what ifs’?” Hyunwoo interrupted him. Kihyun had been like that since earlier, so he was prepared for that.

Kihyun shushed, tightening his grip.

“You’re really not going to forget me, right? Will you keep your promise?” He finally asked, in a very low voice. Hyunwoo pulled their bodies apart and looked into the youngest’s eyes.

“Didn’t I say that already? You’re moving away but we will meet. And I will keep my promise, like I told you I would,” he smiled one more time, but his heart was hurting a bit on his chest. Kihyun’s eyes were filled with water, and he didn’t like to see him like that.

“Can you say it again? I’m sorry hyung, I’m just scared and--”

“I promise you, Yoo Kihyun,” Hyunwoo interrupted him one more time, reciting their promise louder, “that even if we grow apart for the next years, when we are old and living our last days, we will meet and stay together forever.”

Just one tear was defiant enough to fall from Kihyun’s eyes, and he hurriedly dried them in his sleeves, sniffing and breathing deeply.

“We’ve got phones and we will keep in touch. So don’t worry about this moving away thing, and let’s talk everyday like always. When we are adults, we can move somewhere and live close to each other one more time. And then our promise will be safe,” Hyunwoo comforted him and Kihyun was able to smile.

“Yes, we will. Thank you, hyung,” he said, sniffing one more time. “I’m fine now, I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize. It’s ok to be scared, but it’s also good to remember that everything will be alright.”

They both smiled at each other one more time. Kihyun’s legs were able to move now, but he still wanted to spend a little more time next to Hyunwoo. He really hated the idea of leaving, but if he were to come back and find him there, it wouldn’t be so bad. It would be good if things were as if he never left.

 

.teen years.

“Are you texting him again?” Minhyuk frowned, seeing Kihyun’s dumb smile on his face and trying to peek over his shoulder.

“Yes, I am. Can I have my privacy respected, please?” Kihyun said, hiding his phone. Minhyuk showed him his tongue and leaned back on his seat, staring at the field where some football players were practicing.

“Do you seriously text Hyunwoo every day since you were kids?”

“Yeah, almost every day. Some days it’s hard and sometimes he’s busy so he takes ages to reply. But he always does. We are always talking” Kihyun said, after pressing “send”.

He hadn’t seen Hyunwoo in person in years, but they still talked. They messaged each other, wrote letters, called every now and then. They got busier and they got their own new friends, but they still managed to nourish that friendship.

Minhyuk glanced at Kihyun, wondering why he’d still think about that as a “friendship”. For him, it was something way beyond that. The way Kihyun’s face lit up when talking to Hyunwoo, or even texting him—he didn’t picture the boy doing the same with Minhyuk himself. But he didn’t say a thing. He stretched his arms and focused his eyes on a player wearing blue shirt that ran across the field. He genuinely didn’t want to say a thing, because it was none of his business. But damn, Minhyuk really couldn’t hold back.

“Do you still think about what you promised?” he suddenly asked, still not looking at Kihyun. He felt his friend’s gaze on him, though.

“Well, yes. Not that I think about it all the time, but I am aware that we promised that, years ago,” Kihyun replied, crossing his legs and holding his feet. The sun hid behind a cloud and a chill ran down his spine.

“What was it again? That you’d meet each other again when you were old and spend the rest of your days together?”

“Something along those lines, yeah,” he frowned, without understanding why his friend was getting into that subject out of the blue. Minhyuk turned back to Kihyun and faced him.

“Isn’t this something weird to promise a friend? I mean, what if you’re married and with grandchildren, how come you’re going to just leave all of that and meet Hyunwoo to spend the rest of your life together?” he questioned. Kihyun shrugged.

“We were kids, so we obviously didn’t think so much about it. I guess it just meant that once again we’d become the most important people in each other’s lives. That’s how I see it, anyway,” he said. “When we were young, being 30 or something seemed really out of reach. I guess we weren’t really aware of how much we could be in touch and meet once we grew up and didn’t depend on our parents.”

“But that promise—I mean. For me is like, when you are dying, you’ll spend your days together. That’s kinda sad, isn’t it?” Minhyuk didn’t like the idea very much, but Kihyun didn’t seem to mind at all. He kept a faint smile on his face.

“I don’t know about that. Maybe we’ll just end up forgetting all of it. Things are not supposed to last forever anyway,” he said, lying back on the bench and closing his eyes. The sun came back and started warming them up again.

“That’s not where I was trying to get,” Minhyuk mumbled. Kihyun opened one of his eyes, peeking.

“And where were you trying to get?”

Minhyuk was silent for a while, then sighed.

“You’re such a moron. I can’t believe I have to say this,” he complained, pushing Kihyun’s legs a bit and resting his back on them. “I think that if you like Hyunwoo, you shouldn’t wait until you’re old to fulfill your promise. What is holding you back from meeting him on your 20s and spending the rest of your days, forever, together?”

Kihyun giggled.

“I don’t know? Maybe the fact that I don’t know if he likes me back.”

It scared him a bit how easy it was to admit that. He probably knew that since a long time ago, but he never had put it into words. He liked Hyunwoo more than a friend and more than a special childhood memory, and it was even a little ridiculous to have feelings for someone who you hadn’t seen in years; but Kihyun knew that if they met again, they’d be just the same. At least, he hoped so.

Minhyuk sat upright again, facing him.

“Don’t say that. It’s stupid of you to say it like that. He obviously likes you too or else he wouldn’t text and write you like he does. That’s not what I meant,” he seemed burdened.

“I know. I get it, Minhyuk. But our promise was to meet when we were old. I don’t know if either of us will fulfill it, or if we’ll just forget it along the way,” Kihyun tried not to sound as bothered as he was when he thought about that. “If we met earlier, on our 20s or 30s, I think it’d feel like we’d part shortly after.”

“In a bad way?” the boy asked. Kihyun sat too, sighing.

“Yeah, in a bad way. Forever lasts a lot longer when you’re still quite young. And as I said, things are not supposed to last forever,” Kihyun smiled bitterly.

 

.adulthood.

Kihyun was tired of cleaning the house. He had been doing it for two days and there was still dust everywhere. He was already in his mid-30s and cleaning a whole house by himself was tiring.

He had moved back to his childhood home. The one next to the sea, where salty wind rattled the windows at night and the smell of fish filled the streets. Kihyun didn’t remember the smell being that strong when he was a kid, but now it bothered him immensely. If only he had moved to the countryside and smelled chicken every day when opening his windows in the morning.

His parents had sent him there to take care of the place for some months. They never sold it, even when they moved away many years ago. In the countryside, maybe they’d say they had their roots there and didn’t want to cut them. There, however, at the seaside, it was more like that house was their anchorage. Kihyun didn’t miss it so much, but he didn’t mind going back.

He did miss one thing though.

Tired of all the dust, he put on some shoes and a warm jacket and opened the door, cursing at the smell of fish. He left the house and made his way to the beach, that familiar way he many, many times walked having Hyunwoo beside him.

Obviously as soon as he stepped in his old house, the first thing that came to his mind was Hyunwoo. It had been some years since he last talked to him; Kihyun didn’t know what he was up to, if he had married, if he still remembered the promise. They didn’t carve any wood in the dock, made a blood pact or anything like those cliché childhood movies, so he couldn’t be assured he wasn’t the only one who thought about that. Well, even _he_ had forgotten about that eventually. He moved on with his life, entered college, began working, dated, broke up, moved on. But going back to his old house and seeing the same old sea of his precious memories was all that needed for him to long for his first love. He had come to terms already with the fact that Hyunwoo hadn’t only been his best friend or someone like an older brother, but indeed the first person Kihyun could say he loved. That didn’t stop them of drifting apart, like he believed it could happen when he was on his teens.

When looking at the grayish and turbulent sea, his heart tightened. He wished he could be old already so he could see Hyunwoo again and spend time with him. Their promised “forever”. But if he wasn’t sure the promise still existed in Hyunwoo’s heart now, how would they be able to fulfill it in the future? How would they meet years later and act like that childhood promise wasn’t something stupid in the first place?

Kihyun felt like a fool. How could he be so hung up on a promise made so long ago, wishing for a reunion that probably would never happen? And even if it did—what guarantee did he have that they would be the same? They were so young and so long had passed, they changed so much. Well, Kihyun sure did, so he concluded that Hyunwoo had changed just as much as him. There was nothing that could prove to him that things would be alright if they ever met again.

Except maybe how his heart skipped a beat when looking at a figure approaching him from the distance.

Except maybe how that same heart began to beat uncontrollably fast when he noticed the figure’s familiar smile.

It had been years, yes, but Kihyun and his heart would always, always, recognize Son Hyunwoo and his beautiful smile.

Kihyun had to gather strength to hold back the urge to run in the man’s direction and jump on his arms. He had no idea he missed Hyunwoo like that, to the point that breathing became difficult and his heart was taking so long to calm down.

“I heard by the convenience’s store _ahjumma_ that you were back. I just stopped by your house, but since you weren’t there, I tried coming here” Hyunwoo said, his voice so beautiful it made Kihyun’s heart ache more and more. He was still speechless, just observing his face, looking at every single detail. It was really Hyunwoo. Hyunwoo on his mid-30s, just like him. In front of him, real, touchable. Waiting for his reply.

“Ah, yes,” he said, his voice weak. He cleared his throat. “I came back a few days ago, but I was busy cleaning the house.”

“You could’ve called for help,” Hyunwoo lowered his eyes, kicking a stone.

“I didn’t know if you were still around,” the other replied, being honest. His mind was suddenly blank. He didn’t know if he should treat Hyunwoo as an old acquaintance or as a stranger. How did they ever talk naturally? How does one talk to his childhood friend after so long?

“Well, that’s true,” he chuckled. The sound was so familiar Kihyun didn’t hold back a smile. “It’s been a while, Kihyunnie.”

They smiled at each other and then it was like there were no weird feelings between them, even if Kihyun had been insecure just a few seconds ago. There was still a lot that needed to be talked about, so he definitely didn’t refuse when Hyunwoo suggested a drink.

 

They obviously didn’t have just one drink. It was past midnight and both of them were pretty drunk, sitting on Kihyun’s living room’s dusty floor, many bottles of soju around them. Kihyun’s head was thrown back on the sofa, resting both his neck and back while leaning against it. Hyunwoo had one of his hands on the floor, behind his back, and the other one was resting on his knee, while still holding an empty bottle. His eyes were not very focused and he hummed something to himself.

They had been quiet for long minutes. They had talked a lot, yes, about how their lives changed and what they went through during those years they didn’t talk at all. As Kihyun predicted, they became very comfortable around each other very quickly, and it already felt like he had never left. As usual, it was like they were meant to stick close.

Kihyun lowered his face so he could see Hyunwoo. He observed how the faint light from a streetlamp, coming in through a small opening in the curtains, hit Hyunwoo from the back, making his facial features look even more sharp and beautiful. The man looked like he was directly carved by God’s hand, every single trace being resplendent. He, however, on the other side of the room, was engulfed by darkness. He doubted Hyunwoo could see him properly from where he was, even if he wasn’t so drunk.

Kihyun couldn’t stop thinking about something. He couldn’t keep it out of his mind. The words were on the tip of his tongue but he couldn’t spill them out. It was about the promise. Obviously, it was about the promise. He stared at Hyunwoo, sitting in front of him, completely immersed in his own world, and he wanted to ask, he desperately wanted to. But he did not know how. How could he bring up such a childish promise, made years and years ago?

Hyunwoo was the one who talked first. He suddenly raised his eyes, locking them onto Kihyun’s and asked:

“Do you remember what we promised?”

Kihyun stayed quiet for some time; he wasn’t sure of what to answer. He wanted to say “ _yes, yes I do_ ”, because that was what his heart was screaming, sounding almost desperate in his heartbeats. But wasn’t it immature of him to be hoping that that promise was still true?

“I do,” he finally said, his voice cracked and scratched his throat. He wanted to know if Hyunwoo had thought about that promise as much as he did all those years. Hyunwoo abruptly sat upright, leaving the bottle on his hand on the floor and seeming more sober than he was supposed to be. Kihyun was not even a bit sober himself and he was afraid of what he’d say if he ended up speaking more than he intended to. They were adults, not kids anymore.

Hyunwoo started crawling in his direction, in a kind of funny way because he was such a big guy with large shoulders. He came forward until he sat really, really close to Kihyun. Probably, that was the closest they had ever been since the day that he left, when Hyunwoo hugged him tight saying everything would be ok. Kihyun wondered if he would be hugged again.

“Can you repeat that promise for me, please?”

Just like Kihyun did when they were young, now Hyunwoo asked to hear those words aloud. Kihyun could pretend he didn’t remember them properly, that he just recollected that they had made some promise to each other but he couldn’t tell anymore what it was. But, with Hyunwoo sitting so close to him, he knew he couldn’t lie, so he just said it, word by word:

“I promised you, Hyunwoo, that in the days when we are old, and living our last days, we would meet again and stay together forever.”

Hyunwoo had a half-smile on his face. Kihyun wanted to kill himself for saying those words out loud; he, a 30-something-year-old man actually said such things, how embarrassing was that? But Hyunwoo didn’t seem to mind, he seemed pretty pleased instead. And then Kihyun knew that he hadn’t forgotten about the promise either. All those years, it bonded them together, even from far away.

As Kihyun kept in mind for so long, no mattered how far they had moved from each other, they were always, always connected. After a few more seconds of silence, Hyunwoo said of a sudden:

“Those days… can’t we have them now?”

Kihyun was flabbergasted. He didn’t know what to reply. Now? On his mid-30s and not when they were old and dying? Would they have all those years ahead of them, together? Was that what “forever” meant?

He was a mix of emotions; he was shocked, scared and happy. Kihyun was definitely very happy to hear that Hyunwoo wanted to spend those days with him earlier than what they had planned, and that he thought about it as much as he did. But there was something that scared Kihyun deeply, and it was the words of their promise.

 _“When we are living our_ last _days.”_

Why did Hyunwoo want to be together now, out of all times? Of course they had just reunited and it felt good, and it was nice to know that he still remembered the promise but… would they be able to be together from then on? Was it possible, would it be ok? And he asked that out loud.

“Is it going to be ok, if we do so?”

“Why wouldn’t it?”

“Well… I feel we made that promise thinking about the _end_ of our days. And then I’m afraid that if we start those days now, our forever be a lot shorter than we meant it to be.”

Hyunwoo stared back in silence, thinking about what Kihyun said. The other waited for a reply, but it never came. Out of the blue, Hyunwoo just moved his body forward and kissed Kihyun on the lips.

If Kihyun was surprised earlier, nothing compared to what he felt then. He couldn’t even kiss him back. He was just so surprised because Hyunwoo’s plump lips were soft and warm, and tasted like soju. The most delicious soju Kihyun had ever tasted in his whole life.

Hyunwoo pulled out, embarrassed.

“Ah, this… ah, sorry. Sorry, Kihyun, I must have gotten everything wrong,” he tried backing away, but Kihyun held his collar, keeping him there. Hyunwoo didn’t get _anything_ wrong. And he decided that he had thought too much for a drunken self, and tomorrow’s problems would be for tomorrow’s Kihyun. They’d talk about the promise and all that shit the next day, because in that moment Kihyun just wanted to properly kiss Hyunwoo.

So that was what he did.

 

There was a storm that night that rattled the windows of Kihyun’s bedroom, but none of the men inside it paid any attention to the sound. They were immersed in their own world, making up for years lost.

In the next morning, when just a drizzling was softly hitting the bedroom’s windows’ glasses, Kihyun felt his body and head ache, tangled in the bedsheets. He couldn’t remember much from the night before – he met Hyunwoo, they drank, and talked about things. He recalled a feeling of angst, but before he could remember what it was related to, big hands touched his waist and made him realize what really happened.

Opening his eyes, he turned to face an asleep Hyunwoo who pulled him closer, maybe dreaming about him. The man’s hair was a mess but his face was peaceful, and Kihyun’s heart jumped out of his chest. Hyunwoo was so beautiful. He could spend hours staring at his face like that.

His mind wasn’t as confused as it had been the night before amongst the drinks and the re-encounter feels. He liked Hyunwoo. After all that time, he still liked him. Hyunwoo’s existence for him was like no other; there was no one else that he felt so connected to, not even his family. Even if there wasn’t such a promise between them, he’d still want to find Hyunwoo, every single day, for the rest of his life.

They were finally able to be together, so why shouldn’t they? If both of them wanted that. Kihyun wasn’t sure what made him so insecure before, but now that certainty tightened his chest and he wanted Hyunwoo to wake up so he could tell him, looking into his beautiful brown eyes, that the future they always thought about during all those years apart could finally come true.

When Hyunwoo indeed woke up, a few minutes after that, his eyes met Kihyun’s messy hair, flushed cheeks and shy smile. He smiled back and leaned forward to kiss Kihyun one more time, without saying anything, because he probably read into the other’s eyes that everything would be alright.

 

Everyday passed like bliss. Kihyun’s house was completely cleaned up, now that Hyunwoo was there to help him. He could stand better the smell of fish in the streets, and was taken to some really good chicken restaurants by Hyunwoo. They’d spend a lot of time together. Hyunwoo ran a swimming academy and Kihyun often visited him there. His favorite time to visit was in the mornings, when children came to class; a group of seven or eight small human beings, all dressed up to jump in the water and learn the basics, with a lot of laughter and fun. Hyunwoo would smile a lot while teaching them and Kihyun just sat there, admiring him, feeling his heart getting bigger and fuller of love by the other. When classes were over, Hyunwoo would come over to have lunch with Kihyun, and they’d have their precious moments.

It was so easy being together; Kihyun couldn’t believe how fate worked in his favor. The boy he met at such a young age was really the one meant for him. Their days were carefree and enjoyable, and they didn’t need much. ‘Forever’ was such a good thing, if it meant sleeping beside Hyunwoo and waking up on his arms every morning, being greeted with a wide smile and a warm kiss.

One day his parents called him from the city and he had to visit them; it was something related to his late job. He let Hyunwoo know he’d be away for a few days and the other was fine with it. He sent his regards to Kihyun’s parents. They missed each other every day and the man couldn’t wait to go back to the seaside. He really anchored his boat there, apparently. Because Hyunwoo was there, it felt like home, like the safest place he could be.

The day he went back finally came. He stopped by the _ahjumma_ ’s market to buy some meat; he’d cook that to Hyunwoo for dinner. The man must have been finishing his adult classes at the swimming academy, and they always left him starved. When on the cashier, the _ahjumma_ smiled softly.

“It’s so good that you’re back and taking good care of Hyunwoo,” she said, helping him put the meat in the bag he brought. He smiled. “He had been very lonely and it’s tough to go through all of that by oneself. Treat him well, right?”

Kihyun frowned a bit. That was a weird choice of words.

“I’m sorry. Going through what?” maybe she was overreacting the fact he had been lonely, but it was a strange way to put it. Kihyun’s stomach filled with butterflies for some reason, but it wasn’t really a nice feeling. They weren’t the same collywobbles he had when Hyunwoo smiled at him or made a stupid joke that made both of them laugh until their cheeks hurt. Maybe they weren’t butterflies; they could be moths.

“Oh my,” the _ahjumma_ seemed a bit surprised and nervous. Kihyun raised one of his eyebrows and leaned in closer to listen to what she had to say.

 

“Oh, Kihyunnie, welcome back,” Hyunwoo smiled, drying his hair with a soft purple tower. He had just left the academy’s shower, changed into his clothes, and all of his students had left already. Kihyun had barged in, holding the bag of groceries, but he was shaking so much Hyunwoo didn’t take long to notice something was wrong.

“When were you planning to tell me?” His voice shook as much as his body. “Maybe when I sobbed over your coffin?”

“Kihyun…” Hyunwoo’s smile had faded and he tried to approach the shorter one, but he stepped back, his face twisted in anger and fear.

“It had to be the _ahjumma_ to tell me! How did you think I’d feel finding out about it through some gossip? Why wouldn’t you tell me?”

“I thought you knew already,” Hyunwoo was blunt. Kihyun snorted.

“How was I supposed to? We just met after so many years and when we were catching up you didn’t think it was relevant to let me know that—that you’re--” he couldn’t even finish the sentence. Hyunwoo finally was able to approach him, his eyes overflowing with sadness.

“Dying,” he whispered. Kihyun’s face twisted even more and he didn’t look into the other’s eyes. “You came back to me after all that time and we were able to be together. I thought you were back because you got to know about it. After all, that’s what we promised. The words were there,” his voice was low and he tried to reach Kihyun’s face, but in vain. The other one dropped the bag on the floor, not being able to take it anymore. He dashed out of the academy and Hyunwoo could only watch him leave.

Kihyun only stopped running when he was at the beach, by the dock. He proceeded to yell his anger and sadness away, kicking the stones and throwing them at the sea, as if it was at fault. There was nothing else he could do but scream and cry, and he hated it. He hated being powerless. How could fate play him like that?

Hyunwoo had followed him, in the end. He only took his time, adjusting his thoughts, until he reached Kihyun at the beach, where he had been screaming for five minutes. He was so distracted in his anger and pain that he didn’t notice he had been followed until Hyunwoo wrapped his big arms around him, holding him close and tight. Even though Kihyun fought and tried to pull away from his grip, it was in vain. He was powerless.

It took him more five minutes, while breathing deeply and sobbing, to finally calm down and rest the back of his head on one of Hyunwoo’s shoulders. The grip wasn’t so strong anymore, because it didn’t have to be. Hyunwoo was just holding him there, close to him, and Kihyun could feel the side of his cheeks wet as well. He finally realized he wasn’t the only one in pain, but being immersed in his own selfishness, he didn’t think about Hyunwoo’s feelings. Once again, he just felt bad.

“I’m sorry for not telling you,” Hyunwoo whispered again. “Somehow, I was afraid of doing so. I was afraid that if I told you, you’d give up on our happy ending.”

“How come this is a happy ending,” Kihyun sneered. He didn’t want to be mean and didn’t have any strength left in him to fight, but that was nowhere close to a happy ending. Hyunwoo was silent for a few more moments.

“Well, it’s not really. I wish I could do things differently for you. If you hadn’t come back, I wouldn’t go after you to impose these selfish feelings on you. But you were here and… well, I wanted to have those precious days together with you. They’ll always be my treasure.”

Kihyun was on the verge of tears again, but this time he didn’t scream. He released himself from Hyunwoo’s arms, only to turn to face him properly. He analyzed every beautiful feature in the face of the man he loved, and although it pierced their heart, he kept doing it.

“How long do we have left?” he asked in a low, husky voice. He had screamed so much his throat hurt more when trying to whisper than it would if he yelled again.

“A couple of months.”

Kihyun breathed deeply. So short. He lowered his eyes.

“Is there anything that can be done?” He knew it was useless to ask that, because if there was, Hyunwoo would have told him about it already so he wouldn’t worry. The look in Hyunwoo’s eyes said everything already, and he did not need to answer.

Kihyun wrapped his arms around Hyunwoo’s body and tightened him in a hug. It was the same feeling of when he was moving away; the fear of that being the last touch and that they wouldn’t meet any longer. He knew they still have some months left, and he decided he’d make the most out of them. That is what Hyunwoo wanted in the first place. He shouldn’t think much about it, even though it hurt him to the point he thought it was unbearable. But a world without Hyunwoo was even more unbearable, and this world would come soon; he should live it up while his happiness lasted.

Pulling apart from the hug, he smooched Hyunwoo’s lips.

“It’s so unfair of you to give me the happiest days of my life, only to end them like this,” he complained. Hyunwoo gave him a half-smile. “Why did you do this to me?”

The reply came fast. “Because I love you.”

Kihyun flushed and Hyunwoo stole a kiss from his lips.

“Also, it’s what I promised you. And I’d never break our promise."

**Author's Note:**

> i made my showki shipper friend cry with this so i hope this means my angst writing skills are not as bad as i think they are.  
> in the middle of the fic i started questioning why did i chose to kill off hyunwoo and nearly gave up so i ended up just writing about it.  
> i hope you've enjoyed it!! i might be back with more showki soon so stay tuned  
> some comments and kudos are always appreciated, thank you ♥


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